Topic: I just don't want to feel at all anymore. I'm extremely depressed?
July 18, 2019 / By Jarona Question:
I'm sorry this is so long. If you could just take the time to read it, it would really help someone who's feeling really low right now. I am so upset with myself. I'm upset at the world. I lash out at everyone who's been giving me crap, just because I feel like I'm done getting stepped on.
I finally had the courage to end things with my boyfriend of over a year on Monday. It was like a movie. Him infront of the door begging me to stay and trying to block me from getting outside. And when I finally get outside, it's cold and raining. I get in my car. He blocks me from shutting my door, both of us crying. He asks for a hug. I give it to him, hoping he'll leave. And he just tries to hug and feel me. I finally listen to my brain, and it tells me to get the hell out of there. He finally says "I give up," walks away. I scream "Get your life together, please" and slam the car door. He watches me from the porch step drive away.
I had a panic attack. Every part of my body was tingling on the drive home. I went to my best friend's mom's house where I stayed that night. When I got out of the car, I couldn't walk straight. It was like my whole body had a rush of adrenaline, mixed with so much confusion. I had to sit down on a couch. I couldn't stop crying and shaking. Finally after about 45 minutes of this, the tingling started to go away. I couldn't sleep that night. I just wanted to cry and cry.
I've taking Lexapro 20mg for anti-depression for about 6 months, and I also just started taking Vyvanse 20mg for ADD. I've never felt like my Lexapro has done anything for me at all, except cure my anxiety. I'm perfectly comfortable raising my hand in my college class of 100 students now and asking questions. I just keep feeling so depressed, even before I broke it off with my boyfriend.
I decided today to take two 20mg of Vyvanse today instead of the 20mg that I'm supposed to take. I just didn't want to feel at all. I wanted to take 4 pills so it'd be 80mg, but I thought maybe I'd overdose, and I didn't want my parents or friends to worry about me if I ended up in the hospital.
But if I overdosed, I wouldn't feel at all anymore. And that's how I want to feel: Emotionless and empty. I already feel empty inside, but I still have the emotions and feelings. I don't want those at all. I want the pain to go away. I want time to stop. I need it to stop so I can catch my breath and sort everything out.
He was verbally abusive. He used people. He never took the blame for anything; it was always my fault. I was cleaning out my voicemail messages the other day, I came across one from him about a month ago, saying "You need to answer your phone right now and see if I'm okay. Because you're not answering me, which means you're not being a very good girlfriend. So call me back now." I cried after I heard this. Then you would get the sweeter ones, like him telling me "Goodnight, sleep tight. I love you more than anything in the world. Everyone else has given up on me, except you."
I'm not really sure if this is considered physical abuse, but if I walked away from arguments sometimes, he'd hold my arm and beg me to come back, or he'd get more angry and say things such as "you don't care about me at all." I know that's verbal, but I remember one time at an argument, I told him to **** off, one thing that I've never said to him before. I walked away. He went after me, grabbed my arm and held it tightly, and said "You don't walk away from me."
I don't know what to do anymore. My heart tells me to help him, but I know he can't change unless he does it himself. Nobody can give him the ladder to stand on, but I just want so badly to.
I've been holding this pink lighter that he let me use in my pocket for days now. It's about out of lighter fluid, but I just can't get myself to throw it away. I need it. I need it to think of him and to have him still with me in some sort of way.
I just want this pain to go away. I want to stop tearing up. Each day, I tell myself I'm not going to cry, but at nights I still let it slip. I want people to leave me alone, but at the same time I want someone there so I can feel some sort of bond with them. My friends tell me "I love you!" and they've been checking up on me, but I just cannot hear those words. They mean nothing to me anymore.
Please help me. I feel like I'm emotionally unstable, and I need to just not feel anything at all anymore. I'm broke as hell, can't afford any weed, and I'm trying to save up change to buy my cigarettes since I have 4 left, and I don't get paid until next Friday. I'm on E on gas, and I don't want my parents to help me with any money. I just want the pain to go away.
I'm not sure if you read all of this. I am taking responsibility for myself; not quite sure where you're getting at with that.
I took responsibility for everything. I'm a mature enough person to understand that I got myself into this relationship, and so I got myself out of it. I don't think you understand that there's a lot of pain and suffering involved with ending long-term relationships, especially if he was your first emotional and serious relationship.
Euna | 1 day ago
First of all I am sorry to hear about your situation... Even though life is rough we all have to remember that there are good times as well. As far as you ex goes, you can want to help him up as much as you want but in the end the only person who can REALLY help is himself. You cant help a person who doesn't want it, it will lead to even worse pain and sadness as you watch them fall. Near as i can tell from what you described your ex seems like he is a hairs breadth from becoming violent, You said: "He went after me, grabbed my arm and held it tightly, and said "You don't walk away from me."." To me this is the biggest red flag in the book, because eventually this will escalate to worse physical violence. Feeling empty and sad after a break up is normal particularly after one where the relationship has lasted a decent amount of time. The important thing to remember is that time heals, even though now it seems like it will never end in time it will pass. Please don't take more pills to deal with the pain, from a medical and personal standpoint it is bad for you. From a medical standpoint taking more than prescribed is very dangerous you could potentially overdose or cause damaged to your body organs, and speaking as a person who has drank to numb them self in the past the effect only lasts for a short time the pain stays. I would recommend finding someone you have known for a long time to talk to, a friend, a sibling, a parent, someone close that has an objective non critical viewpoint. If you don't take anything away from this accept for one just remember this: In time it will pass. The emptiness, the sadness, the need for apathy, it will go away in time.
I wish you the very best, & you're in my prayers.
Originally Answered: How do let go of situations/people in your past that still make you feel extremely angry/upset?
We all experience anger in a different way. We also have different anger triggers. However regardless of how we experience anger it can could problems at time. A healthy level of anger can help us to take appropriate actions and solve problems, but too much anger can destroy us.
1. The first step to managing your anger is to maintain a notebook where you write down each time you get anger and what the trigger was. This will help you identify your triggers and be in a much better position to deal with them. It will also enable you to critically evaluate if you get mad a whole lot or have an anger management problem.
2. The next step is to review this log and observe if it appears that you have an anger management problem. If so determine if it is hurting your chances of success.
3. Now talk with the people who are important to you about your anger. They can be a fantastic source of support and motivation in your goals. They also can give you a heads up when they see that you are starting to go to that dark place.
4. The next thing is to always think about how you feel. When you feel that you are beginning to become angry pause, take deep breaths, give yourself some positive reinforcement, tell yourself that you can handle any situation, and end negative thoughts.
5. Now when you run into a person that is one of your triggers try to put yourself in his shoes. Try to see the situation from their perspective and remind yourself to be objects and realize that no one is perfect. This is the time to remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, including you and them.
6. Next, take the time to smile. Just the effort to smile will naturally relax you and make you feel better. It will help you calm down so you can determine if there is a reason to be upset. Then try to laugh, and I do not mean that evil genius laugh, but a real heartfelt laugh. This will calm your muscles and help you relax. When you relax you may decide that there really was nothing to get so uptight about.
7. Now try to build trust and believe in others. Life can really get you down. In the last five years I got very ill, cheated on and abandoned by a boyfriend, hurt by friends, robbed, and basically went through a very tough time. I have since gone through treatment and am totally healthy, let go of the boyfriend, let go of the friends, started to be more security conscious and am feeling better. However, so many people that I trusted hurt me that I did start losing trust and found myself getting angry more. If you see this happening. take a step back. Do you really want to let others control you that way? Instead learn to protect yourself while trusting so people can not hurt you as easily, but you are not so cynical that you automatically assume the worst and go on a rampage.
8.Now stop and listen. Many times miscommunication contributes to misunderstanding, frustration, and then anger. Try to listen and you may be surprised by what you hear.
9. Now remember that you do need to take control both of yourself and your environment. This means when you are getting upset, people are pushing you, and you are losing control you need to be assertive. Do not get aggressive (yelling, banging things, etc.), but do vocalize yourself and assert your rights.
10. Live every day as if it is the last day you have. This means thinking about the situations and asking yourself, is this really worth getting angry about.
11. Now forgive those who hurt you. Do not forget because then you open yourself up too much but forgive so you do not hold on to the anger.
Originally Answered: How do let go of situations/people in your past that still make you feel extremely angry/upset?
i have had many things that i did or i let people do to me that when i think of it, it hurts me so much and i get angry.But as i got older things started to seem less and less important because new issues come along and you realize whats important, and letting the past control the future or the present is not right, its called the past because your getting past..you have to honestly learn from the situations and all from the past and not let it happen again because as much as the things that happened hurt you and still do you got to let it go leave it behind you and let it be a lesson so that it doesn't happen again.This will make you stronger, i have been thought things i thought i would never survive because the pain was so bad. my boyfriend cheated on me with my cousin in my room and he punched me in the face and he cheated over and over because i let him i should of been done but then my dad died and the b.s with my ex didn't seem big or important at all and i realized my family is so much more important and i had to go through that to understand that the bad things seem bad but could be worse and just live the way i like and not pleasing someone else or doing whats easiest, your the only person who can protect you and make you happy so start by being thankful for what you do have and leave the past in the past and Create some good memories for yourself..
good luck and i hope you can learn to not let your emotions due to the past ruin the present.good luck Sweety.
Its obviously the drugs that are causing this emotional instability. Stop taking drugs and take responsibility for your self. Self pity wont get you anywhere.
I'm also broke as hell, cant afford weed, trying to quit cigarettes so my tank stays above E and I don't get paid until next Friday. I'm happy as hell. It's all about how you perceive yourself and how you control your interaction with reality.
You're ex also sounds like a dick, then again, I don't know how you act towards each other normally.
sorry to hear how you feel..you should stop takeing so much pills yes they help you,but they hurt you in other ways too.. be strong that's what life is all about..glad to hear you have people who care for you..be around positive people so you don't be so negative.. about your ex you two could find help together if you really want to help and love hem.. i think its good you broke up with hem now he can see how serious you are.. tell hem you'll try to work things out if he finds help and changes.. hope this helped.. be strong!!