How is this chapter I wrote so far?

How is this chapter I wrote so far? Topic: How is this chapter I wrote so far?
July 19, 2019 / By Darlene
Question: Carter sat in his chair, taking a long swig from his Red Bull. He was in the computer lab with his English class around 12:30pm. He was hungry judging by the growling of his stomach. Lunch wasn't until another fifteen minutes, so he had to endure the long suffering of being hungry. Taking a sip from his water bottle, he turned back to the computer screen and started working on his English essay. He had been looking at the screen for nearly an hour, and he still hadn't even come around to eve writing the name and date. Where was Savannah when you needed her? A moment later, Erica Nasso popped up from behind him. He jumped, started. "What the---" "Hey, Carter, can I talk to you?" she asked, wiping her brown hair out of her face. "Um, sure." he said. "What is it?" "It's about Savannah." "What a surprise." "I know, but I'm getting sick of her." begrudged Erica. "Don't you find it slutty that she dated you and know she's dating your best friend?" He shrugged. "Not really." "Well, I do." she said. "Also, what does Andy see in her? It's obviously she's a slut." "What makes you think that?" he asked, feeling a little insulted. Erica remembered the time during the football game in the beginning of the school year when Savannah was wearing sundress that was styled like the fifties. The strings on her dress were starting to unslip, when Andy offered to tightened them for her. The little tramp had allowed him to do. Every girl knows a guy offers to tie your dress because they get turned on by it. She wasn't that naive and stupid. Another thing was that she didn't understand the appeal of Savannah. Just because Savannah had big boobs, a Kim Kardashian butt, and was thin, didn't make her pretty. In fact, she was fat compared to Erica and Nicole. That's why she called Nicole fat, because she knew she could never be as skinny as Savannah. And what was up with Savannah's sympathy for the "Holocaust". Kimmie said when they had English class together, Savannah almost cried when they watched Schindler's List. It was like she was obsessed with Jewish people. Either that, or has Jungle Fever, which explained why she liked Andy so much. "I don't think that's true." Carter said. "Savannah may be a lot of things, but she's no slut." He was beginning to not want Erica around him. He wasn't going to have her hanging out if she was just going to bring up a bunch of crap that didn't even make any sense. Also, Nicole seemed to have been giving Savannah an evil stare lately. He knew Savannah did things to Savannah that weren't exactly golden, but Nicole looked at her as if she were plotting against her. "Hey, Erica, I'm working here, do you mind if you leave me alone?" he asked, sounding a little bit exasperated than intended. Huffing, Erica turned on her heel and walked away. Carter sighed and continued to do his work. He had a lot of things on his mind, and he didn't need Erica to make things even more complicated. After class, Carter went to his locker just in time to see Nicole standing in front of it. "What's up?" he said, approaching her. "I need to talk to you." she said. He groaned. "It's not about Savannah, is it?" "Um...no!" Nicole said, a strained grin crossing her face. "I was wondering if you would like to come over tonight. My parents are gone." "No thanks. I have other things to do." "Like what?" "I dunno, things I don't want anyone else to be involved with." "Is it another girl?" she teased. "No," he said. "I just have things I need to do." For some reason, he was starting to become agitated with Nicole. Not only did he lose his virginity to her, which was a dumb mistake, but now he was realizing how annoying she could be. She acted like a mother sometimes; and not in a good way. "Where are you going?" Nicole asked, following him as he headed down the stairs. "Lunch," Carter called. "Can I join?" "You have gym class!" "Oh, right." she said, her face contorting into confusion. "Well, alright. See you, I guess." He didn't even respond. Instead, he darted across the corridor, and into the cafeteria where he found his group of friends already seated at their usual table. "Where have you been?" asked Aaron. "Nicole stopped me." "That explains it. She can be exasperating." "Tell me about it." he said, grabbing a chicken nugget off of Hugh's plate. "Oh, of course you can have a nugget." Hugh said sarcastically. Carter snickered. They did this all the time. He didn't understand why Hugh always ac
Best Answer

Best Answers: How is this chapter I wrote so far?

Breanne Breanne | 4 days ago
There are a few grammar mistakes. Also try not to use name brands in stories. It's confusing to people who are unfamiliar with the brand and just annoying to me. Others might feel differently but that's my opinion.
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Breanne Originally Answered: Read some of the first chapter of the story I wrote? Really short? Please 10 points!?
This is freaking awesome. I'm surprised too, because I didn't expect it to be good. It is outstanding, I'm 14 and can't write anything like that. Thats....Amazing. So many words I could describe for it. I hope you publish it, because I would read and buy it. Extremely well done. x
Breanne Originally Answered: Read some of the first chapter of the story I wrote? Really short? Please 10 points!?
I think this is good, but you need to just add to what youve done so far. I really like your second paragraph, and i think thats how you need to write the rest of it. Using extra detail and describing where you aare at the present moment, and then going on about what your character has to do will work better because otherwise your just throwing alot of information at once which is hard to take in. You could say something like, sat here at the base of the tree i thought over what i had to do... and then go through it step by step making sure the reader will understand. Such as when you first mention Lillian, you could say you know nothing about her then, rather than bringing her up again later, so the reader gets to know everything about her - kind of- in one bit. Also- if this ties in with the rest of your story, then leave it be, but the stuff about God may put people off you know? Maybe mentioning a higher being if need be, but heaven and angles are sufficient enough :) just make it clear and add lots of detial, happy writing!
Breanne Originally Answered: Read some of the first chapter of the story I wrote? Really short? Please 10 points!?
There are quite a few punctuation errors - but overall, given that you're 13, it's pretty good. It's a lot better than most 13 year olds could write, and you've obviously got a good imagination. I'll be honest - stories about angels aren't at all my thing, and you'll need to take care not to end up with a lot of cliches, but so far, you're doing well. You've already developed a strong narrative voice for the angel character, and you haven't given too much away.
Breanne Originally Answered: Read some of the first chapter of the story I wrote? Really short? Please 10 points!?
Your basic story line is pretty interesting. There are a few grammar and punctuation mistakes, but I believe you have a decent start. Is this a rough draft? And I don't think you have given away too much because you haven't said why you're looking for Elisabeth. And I would save that reason for a little later....let the reader wonder about that, and then come up with a really offbeat reason for your search.

Breanne Originally Answered: henry david thoreau and the resons he wrote chapter two in walden " WHERE I LIVED AND WHAT I LIVED FOR"?
How about doing at least a little bit of your own homework before asking for help? Your question sounds as if you want someone to do it all for you. You'll get better answers here if you read the chapter yourself, say what YOU think it means, and then ask for help where you're stuck. You can't get stuck when you don't even get started.
Breanne Originally Answered: henry david thoreau and the resons he wrote chapter two in walden " WHERE I LIVED AND WHAT I LIVED FOR"?
Many have been entranced by Thoreau's idyllic picture of Walden Pond. In the 60's, a lot of young people formed communes with ideas similar to those expressed by Thoreau. I've known many of them personally and very few of them saw this as wasted effort. Living a hard, simple life with solitude an available commodity has a real quality of life about it that most gained. It replaced a life style that was highly fantasized with unreal values with a simple life where values were much like those experienced by the pre-industrial agrarian societies which they sought to emulate. I see no reason why you could not try such an experiment but it would probably be wise to learn as much as you can about how life was lived in those simpler times. I wish you well and, if you attempt this, I wish you a rich and rewarding experience.
Breanne Originally Answered: henry david thoreau and the resons he wrote chapter two in walden " WHERE I LIVED AND WHAT I LIVED FOR"?
Here is what you are apparently asking us to do. Look up the the book. Read the chapter. Figure out what it means. Research why he wrote it. Analyze his writing style. Do your homework for you.

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