Topic: Do you guys have any suggestons/constructive criticism for this chapter?
July 19, 2019 / By Peronel Question:
It's called Where Destiny Leads You.
Chapter 1- Trivial Arguments
I was just an ordinary school nerd… with long dark brown wavy hair, red glasses, and of course—a 4.0 GPA. Yes, all straight A’s with the exception of an A- in P.E. Luckily, 90% was based on effort or else I would have been dead meat. My clumsy hands, painfully slow legs… my overweight body.
“Who cares about that when they had an A+ in Honors Math and English... Rank 1 in the entire school, right?” I thought as I dismissed my weakness. I was lucky… I had all the friends I needed… who would help me in times of despair and hopelessness. I was lucky to have parents who cared for me, teaching me many life morals and lessons.
The phone rang as it disrupted my thoughts. “Hey Honey, wanna go out with me?” I groaned. It was Jonny, the flippant and arrogant jerk. He flirted with everyone… dated many popular girls for a month after dumping them. I guessed he just wanted their body.
“Hmm...maybe I could teach him a lesson or
two,” I thought.
“All right, fine, but only on September 31st, one week from today, okay?” I said.
“You’ve finally seceded to my beautiful sexiness! It’s a date then!”
I quickly hanged up my phone as I tried to hide the smirk from my face.
5 minutes later, the phone rang again. This time I had to laugh out loud as I pictured his face flushed with anger, his lips dropping to a frown. However, if I knew what would have happened, I would have never done this.
After my parents came home, I preceded to do my nightly homework. This was normal. When I went back to sleep at 10 (my curfew on school nights), I heard strange footsteps. I dismissed the notion quickly, telling it was just my imagination. However, as I heard a tapping on the window, I started getting nervous. Soon after, a dark shadow appeared on the wall… then faded out. It appeared again, and this time, I could see a pair of dark red bloodshot eyes. Footsteps were heard near the distance. Each step was barely noticeable, but y
you could make it out. Chills were sent rushing through my back, ,my body now shivering. Maybe this was real…
Any comments are welcome! If you don't like it, tell me what's not to your taste!
Marleen | 5 days ago
You have pretty decent writing. I felt you were doing a story that is too common for realistic fiction. However, if that's your expertise, then feel free to write. Also, you were rushing too much...what happened to the background? I've read too many stories like this...try changing it up! You have real talent with words and you shouldn't waste it on too-common stories.
Good luck! Feel free to send it to me sometime!
I like it the way it is but if you want to make it a bit more sinister just tighten up your copy. The positive is this is your style and these are your worlds. The bad is you'd have to write an entire book in this format (unless you limit this style to the preface)! lol Good luck - you're talented! One moment you are safe and secure... Family surrounds you. Friends care for you. Life is perfect. Yet five minutes later, you enter the dark world of enemies. A world where real, true, goodness is overshadowed by people consumed with greed, hunger, competition and jealous fights of survival. And just when you think your life is all over, you see him. [Character's name] safe haven. [more detail] This split second realization also reveals his darker side [that you aren't sure you saw?]... [more detail]
There is no such a thing as September 31. Other than that, pretty incomplete and very sketchy. Write an outline, follow the form of correct outlines and rewrite. Shouldn't be so hard to make progress from here, but you know you. Right? (smile)
Nothing about it interested me...the characters seemed boring...the guy sounds like a dork...and the girl sounds like an airhead for having a 4.0 GPA.
Kudos for having a creative outlet...but no way would I ever read it.
Originally Answered: Constructive criticism please?
Well, you're 14, so everyone must start somewhere. These are all very confessional, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'd suggest reading some other confessional poets: Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Robert Lowell, and sometimes Audre Lorde. They each have some pretty good poems. Learn about them, study their poetry, try and determine what makes it good... if you even think it's good, or what doesn't make it good. In order to determine what is good, you need two things. 1.) to read more of every type of poetry to broaden your scope of poetry 2.) To read some essays, articles, and/or books on poetry and get other people/poet's ideas on what makes a poem good so you can decide if you agree with any of it. Because in the end, what matters is if the people you are writing the poems for like it or not. Because honestly, I'm not too fond of these poems, but you may have just written them for yourself or for your age group, in that case who cares what I think. Anyone, if you do all of these things I have listed and come up with some stuff on your own, you could become a very good poet, and I hope you do, and share wonderful words with the world. I'll list some websites in the source, good luck. :)