Topic: My ex wants me to pay to fly him out to see our daughter more then 4 times a year, help!?
July 20, 2019 / By Annita Question:
My ex fiance and I have a 2 year old daughter together. I am from CA and currently live in TX. Surrounding our break up, (he was severely controlling, verbally abusive, and I caught him having cybersex online), my mother flew my daughter and I out for the holidays so I could think things through. I didn't take the plane trip back because he harassed me so bad every day I was out there that my folks unplugged the phone.( he also cheated on me with the only friend he allowed me to have). I had no way to take care of myself back in TX so my family helped me out. A few months later I met my husband. Coincidentally, my husband got a job offer in TX so we moved back in hopes that my ex would stop threatening to take my daughter away from me. (I was so brow beaten by him that I believed every bit of BS that he said at the time.) It took a few months but we became relatively civil for the sake of our daughter.
My husband got a promotion back in California and left today to start his job tomorrow. It happened so fast that we didnt have the finances to move me and my son and daughter. This promotion enables me to go back to work, school, and for us to get a house. My ex see's our daughter once a week, sometimes less. We have no court orders regarding her custody...partly because we didn't have the money when we first split and we worked things out together. I would be considered the custodial parent... He pays $125 a month to me to help with her and my husband takes care of the rest. He doesn't help with child care and when I told him I had to go back to work and needed him to watch her more, he said there was no way he could possibly do it unless it was one day that I would have to tell him far in advance. Since we have been out here, my husband and I have bent over backwards for him so many times. Every time he sees his daughter, it's on my exes terms, never ours. He always comes up with these crazy ideas that he bends over backwards for us, instead...
He congratulated my husband on his promotion and said he didn't want to keep him from being able to move up in his career. He acknowledged that we were moving and said it was okay...no fuss no fight.When we started to discuss visitation, it started causing problems. He has no means to provide any childcare for her and has not taken any steps to get a better paying job to do so, let alone look into other options. I told him out of my own pocket I would be willing to fly him out (she is 2, she cannot fly alone) 2-3 times a year. He told me he wanted to see her more then that...and that my husband should be responsible for paying to fly him out more then that so he can see her. (8 times, is what he said). He told me he didnt want to take it to court but that he wanted me to "sign a piece of paper stating I promised to fly him out" in case I decided to not let him see her. I suggested we should go to court, and he said he didn't want to...as far as the paper signing, I told him absolutely not.
I am leaving in two months or less, what should I do? My ex is a manipulative person and my husband hates him but isnt being so unreasonable that he would try to keep him from seeing his daughter...my ex has said before that because my husband got involved with me that he should be expected to own up to the responsibility which outraged me...we did the math, my husband pays over $400 to help take care of her...my ex argues that $125 is enough for food and diapers..he's not considering anything else.
Flying him out 8 times a year is outrageous...and im sorry but he must have a pretty bad job if he doesnt make enough money to pay for child care but can still take heaps of time off...we wouldn't be able to get d own payment or have extra money for holidays...should I tell him to take a lap? What should I tell him?
thank god im not the only one who agrees! pretty sure "best answer" ever. Anyone else have any ideas on how I can handle it until I move, or if I should go to court when I get there to get everything in stone? I don't want to do this here in case it keeps me in Texas longer. It's hard enough with 2 kids, I really need my husband.
duh, i knew the situation was stupid, which is why im seeking advice! =)
thanks farm girl, im all for him seeing his daughter, i just dont think its right for him to take advantage of the situation...appreciate your input =) i offered to fly him out to avoid conflict, what i didn't see coming is him wining about not paying for him to come out every 1-2 months!
thank you all for being so supportive, i really appreciate the advice!!
Yahweh | 5 days ago
Your top priority should be getting a court-ordered custody arrangement and support order in place. This is not only the right thing to do but gives you peace of mind when your ex gets some bright idea that he's going to try to manipulate you. Of course he doesn't want to go to court. That would take away his ability to try to blackmail you. No court in the country will give custody to your ex so you have nothing to worry about there. He also needs to put his money where his mouth is. If he wants to see his daughter then he'll have to fork over some money to help make it happen. And I'm sure you know this but $125/month for child support is a joke. The court will think so, too. I've known plenty of guys like him. They think they're saints for buying a few diapers. As if food, clothing, a bedroom, utility costs, child care, transportation, etc all pays for itself.
Don't be manipulated. You are the one providing for your daughter and she goes where you do. If he had any chance in court he would have filed a case already. It's in your child's best interests to have those legal protections. Don't get fooled into a false sense of security when things remain calm for a while. Get to court and make it all official. Best of luck!
You should retain a lawyer and get court orders under the Uniform Child Custody Act.
The only way to resolve visitation issues like this is to have that court order, and this way your ex can't accuse you of kidnapping your child.
Sorry, but unfortunately though you got lulled into a false sense of security with this informal arrangement, your ex is now blackmailing you.
The best thing to do is simply show that you're entitled to custody. If your ex is abusive and can't be around the child unsupervised, then he will have to fly out at his own expense.
If he can be around the child unsupervised, then you will have to fly the child out to him on a visitation schedule.
8 times a year is a bit much. I think most visitation schedules involve holidays and summers, etc.
First of all: Do not sign anything! That can get you into trouble. Your ex is attempting to bully you into something ridiculous. Guaranteed he will try to make you pay him the cash most of the time without even going. And what about hotels? This guy is slick, but not slick enough. If you want to be generous, that is fine, just don't sign anything away. If he takes it to court he will probably lose. Even if he wins, he would likely win very little.
No judge would order that. I would petition the court for full custody. As i see it, there is none in place. Along with that, file to leave state. My ex has to pay for half of the visitation. You are not required to pay all. Good luck.